Love?

Oh, the number of poems I have written about love. I have so many pieces about love; I could put a book together. However, I would not say that I wrote the book of love. I am but only a passive observer to this feeling known as love. For all I can figure, I have never been in love; so I don’t even know what love is. Then the question really is how could I describe specific feelings if I have never really felt them? I look at it like this: I have no love, so then I feel no love; and thus, I know no love. However, I could write about love for hours on end simply because it compels me to do so. But still, it seems impossible that I could have any expertise on something that I have never experienced.

There is no substitute for experience. For example, just as how since I have never been to Chicago, I could never know “The Windy City” without first having felt its wind blow through my hair. Likewise, I can freely describe “The City of Brotherly Love,” Philadelphia, because I have felt this love first hand. Furthermore, I can without a doubt in my mind say that “I Love New York” because growing up outside of New York City is one of the best experiences anyone can ask for, and so it’s only natural that being next door to the greatest city on earth has lead to some of the greatest experiences of my life. For this, New York has forever taken a place in my heart. It is this love that makes it possible for New York City to forever feel like home no matter where I lay my head @ night.

My love for “The Big Apple” is absolutely unquestionable; however, love for a certain city is considerably different from the love shared between a woman and a man. Then what I question are the descriptions I bring forward from the depths of my heart. They seem so nurturing, and at the same time, so brutal. In fact, I could even say that it has brought much more pain than pleasure over the years. Oh, the tears these eyes have shed in search of another’s eyes which could end my lonely demise. So many sets have I seen, and I’ve let all lean by without even blinking an eye. For you see, I search for only one set of eyes. For as far back as I remember and for as far as I figure, I have always and will always seek out this mystical being which will alleviate my feelings of loneliness.

Fighting my way through hell is an understatement of what I would do for her. But being how I have never met her, there is only one thing I can currently do for her: put my mind, body, and spirit on hold for her hand. I will always feel alone until I find this female, so I don’t mind remaining single till true love comes round, because she would do the same thing for me. I owe it to my true love to find her because she is just as deserving of me as I of her. Alone we are nothing, but together we are everything we could ever want to be, in love. Could there be anything better in life than a face that makes your feet float off the floor whenever you fall? But perhaps I put too much faith in these feelings of love, for I feel as if love is a form of freedom and is far greater than any feeling of euphoria. It warrants that of a reaction to a warm bubble bath. But I am a being that is blind. So, unfortunately for me, being in this supposed bubble bath is like being locked in a game of Marco Polo. Only I get no reply as the solidarity of each bubble floats by. Oh yeah, there are also thumb tacks spread throughout the bottom of this tub; so with any path comes love’s wrath, and I soak in my own private blood bath.

So while I may want to believe love is really a form of freedom, it has really been more so a form of fever. Love may paint a pretty picture, but it has severely shackled me in my own oblivious way. Day to day brings a one-sided vision of my belief’s separating fission. It all seems like a lie as each day passes by. So did I bite off more than I could chew because my dreams were untrue? Well, when in doubt, figure it out. My theory retains no water, so why not drink wine?

They say you can’t always get what you want, so why not want what you can get? I want a girl to hold my heart. However, I had a hankering for “the one” so my search could be done. And that meant that if there could not be one, than there should be none. But you don’t count your eggs before they hatch, because you can’t accumulate a quantity until you find factual figures. My beliefs count on their being only one true love, but there is no evidence in my eyes that supports this dream world of mine. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, so perhaps I best break my heart in order to find true love.

For so long I have been searching for this single smile which can contagiously catch my mind from the first gleaming glance. Granted, I thought love at first sight to be all I would ever need because that is what my heart wants to feed. Alas, my hunger for the such has yet to be satisfied, and so my heart has already died. But perhaps I simply just put too much faith in fulfilling this fairy tale because its proceedings always come to fail. If someone seeks something that is true, than it had better be something that can follow through. True love lasts a lifetime and never stops on a dime. But can love really spontaneously reach its prime, or should it take time to achieve such a level of sublime? After all, how could there be love without a level of knowing, half of which is the process of growing?

If you don’t judge a book by its cover, then why would you judge your love off of looks? Although a couple may be good looking, that doesn’t necessarily mean their shared future looks good. Shouldn’t one sense something serene and seductive without relying on the lies seen through the eyes? Eyes have a habit of seeing what they want to see and not what reality could very well be. If knowledge is power, than how could you have something as powerful as love without having any knowledge of it? If I know not love, how would I ever know if I was instantly in love? Could I compare something so sincere and sacred as love to anything less than love? No, nothing comes close in comparison to the passion shared between a loving pair. But what lies beyond the spectrum of love is lies and deceit, a devilish dark hole holding the hate which can only be relieved by one’s life mate. So perhaps this perception can best be defeated when love comes along and leaves my darkness depleted. Of course, only opposites could ring true in deciding what to do.

But how does love light the way when darkness surrounds each day? Perhaps Plato’s peace of mind can please my time when he can define, “He whom Love touches not walks in darkness.” So it is behind closed eyes that I see what should never be. And yet, I keep my eyes clenched as my fears become entrenched. It is within here that the darkness swirls due to the lack of loving girls. When a loveless void becomes one’s heart, it is only natural that evil will tear it apart. Something has to replace what once was because that is what nature does. My dreams are no longer bright and cheery; they are dark and dreary. So what do I do to deem my dreams worth awakening to the reality I’ve always wanted it to be? It’s really more a matter of before these eyes will widen, she would have to give me the grace to leave my dreaming place in the form of her face. Only her eyes could reverse the lies I formed on the binding ties. Let her lead me away from the darkness of each day; and if upon opening my eyes as each evening sky slips by brings about an everlasting form of euphoria, found I have, true love.

That has been and most likely always will be the ultimate test to true love, awakening beside another’s eyes. Even before I fall asleep, I want to be excited to realize my arising brings beauty before me. Shouldn’t the quality of the calmness found in her eyes amass more of a meditative state than the sleep suddenly dropped? What about the warm flesh fanned out beneath the blanket being the bubble bath I bled for? But most importantly, do these eyes engage an equal and accurate amount of circadian courage to continue this conforming commitment?

But this is a test of time and the only true way to test if any match is a prime. So if it really takes time for true love to be affirmed, than love @ first sight cannot be confirmed. Then my theory of “the one” has come undone. Undoubtedly a disaster, but a theory I can still remaster. After all, my main fear is falling for a farce, and that has left love quite sparse. Isn’t love supposed to be fulfilled in full because anything less looks like a bunch-o-bull? What's with widespread love being so hypocritical like it is a form of being fickle? People perceive polygamy to be a sin, so I say save your one-sided spin. As for me, I’m all about polygamy of the heart, not the body.

A wise man once said, “Exclusive love is a contradiction of itself.” If love is an ability that we cannot hold back, then how can I promise myself to fall in love with only one woman? In fact, I am already in love with several women. I just never bothered telling them this because our initial eye contact never instigated an instant and intense interaction that warranted what I was led to believe was love. Even these encounters need days to develop into that which would win my world over…

Overall, love levels off @ equality. Love knows nothing greater and lacks anything lower. So then, if I was to declare my love for just one, I would be in turn, turning my back on all the others. It would not be fair to myself or the others to deny such a loving relationship simply because society deems you need share it with only one. Isn’t the main aspect of love wanting to spend the rest of your life around your significant other? But don’t your children also have a severely significant relationship in your life because you love them with all your heart? You can have as many kids as you like and still truly love each and everyone. However, it is inappropriate to have multiple lovers. Perhaps that’s the problem. People confuse being in love with making love. So does sexual intercourse really have two totally different halves: the process of making love and then just meaningless and rough sex? Well, since I have never really been in love before, there is no way for me to correctly comment on the matter. Sure I’ve had sex, but I’ve never made love because I have never really been in love.

However, if I had to choose between living with one woman while being in love and having sex, or between living with multiple women while truly being in love with each and every one but not having sex with any of them; I would choose to live with the many, even if it meant total abstinence. I could be happy in life without having sex, but I could never truly be happy in life without being in love. Likewise, I could say that if being in love completes me, than being in love with multiple people accomplishes me. The point to the pain in my life is feeling no love; so obviously the larger the level of love, the lower my misery becomes. It feels as if limiting my love for just one would only impair my morality.

For far too long I have feared falling for the wrong woman more so than never falling in love with any woman. If I hastily sold my soul to a single entity and then determined that the wrong woman was what I brought, an unjust injury is what I would be taught. What if while being with this one inept being, an individual of true light and love came my way? How do I explain to the first female in my life that she really wasn’t the love of my life? Trying to comfort her sorrow by saying that I have finally found love @ first sight with another woman would be like wiping away her tears with sandpaper. It would obviously be unfair to break up with the woman I love simply because I am also in love with another woman. However, it would also be unfair to this new woman to deny the love we share. And thus the age-old question of how to have your cake and eat it too?

If I truly love both of these girls with every ounce of my being, I would have no qualms withdrawing from having sex with either one if that was the only way I could keep the two close at hand. However, is abstinence enough even though there are a large number of girls out there that get jealous simply from seeing their significant other holding another girl’s hand? And there are plenty of guys out there that get infuriated when their girl is around a group of guys. So then, what is it that jives the girls-n-guys when it comes to the concerns centered around closed relationships?

Is it jealousy and greed that grants us the attitude that the one’s we date are really our own property? Just because we grow attached to someone, that doesn’t mean we can capture them and keep them cornered with our will. What we really want in life is to be happy. When you hamper another’s effort to be happy, it isn’t helping anyone; it hurts the one you love. Like I said, I would do anything within my ability to please the one I love, even if it meant allowing her to love others. Cause obviously if the one I love loved others, I could not be angry with her because it would make me happy to see her happy. Especially so since I have already acknowledged the fact that my heart will most likely love a lot of ladies, so how could I deny her from her own feelings? Being how I will fall in love with my true love because she is such a loving person, I would thus be denying her the very essence that I fell in love with; in turn, I would also be hurting myself as well. No matter what happens, I will always cherish and be eternally grateful for the time we spend together. If the only guarantee I have to fulfilling this lasting love is through her sharing such love, let her live her life as she wishes. If she truly is in love with me, than she will always come back and be there for me.

Besides, how could I quarantine such a smile for my own personal desire? I want to keep that smile going for as long as possible, even if I’m not around to see it, because just knowing it is there will make me smile as well. And so what if other guys are smiling back at her? I have better things to do with my time than be enraged with jealousy. It’s just not my style; just as she is not my possession. So then I pose no ability to tell her what to do. Obviously though, there would have to be some sort of prearranged discussion on having an open relationship. But then the thing is, how do you agree to close all your other preexisting relationships? Just because I’m dating one girl doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to take out another girl to dinner. Not all roads lead to sex, so why must any interaction with the opposite sex seem so seductive in nature? If sex is out of the question, why can’t we cuddle out of kindness? Shouldn’t humans be encouraged to be connected with each other in any way possible?

Perhaps if we could fill each day with more love, there wouldn’t be so much hatred running rampant in the streets. Just imagine a world where people took the time to rest and relax? Maybe a massage here and there to calm the old nerves. But wait, it’s perfectly OK to pay a perfect stranger to pamper you; but if it is with an old acquaintance, it’s awkwardly unacceptable. Isn’t it supposed to be comforting for us to know that those that bring us peace can still be pleased in our absence? As far as I’m concerned, a massage is nothing more than a favor; it’s the same as say washing someone’s car or changing their oil. If my girl needs something to be accomplished and I cannot currently complete it, I would rather have some other guy do it so my girl is not suffering in the meantime. Let’s say she worked a twelve-hour shift, and her feet are killing her; but I’m away on vacation, and her slippers have holes in them. I can either be a bastard and deny her twinkling toes the aid and comfort they deserve, or I can be a gentleman and allow someone else the honor of tending to these tenderly tattered toes.

So perhaps the principal problem before us isn’t the circumstances which surround our significant other, but rather the thought of our other being around any other. If you can’t trust the one you love, than who can you trust? They have a right to go out and have fun, so you can either accept this fact of life or live your life in bitter rage and jealousy every time they do decide to go out. If they are not trustworthy enough to keep their privates in their pants, than perhaps you should rethink this whole happily ever after premise.

Now let’s say a couple is deeply in love, but they have different hobbies. The male likes building models, and the female likes clubbing. In this case, the male would obviously be upset with the girl for going out and doing what she loves. But would the female be upset with the male if while she was out clubbing, he was building a model airplane with a different female? This too would in turn be an intimate situation cause the two are technically bumpin and a grinden on each other as they get close enough to assemble such tiny pieces. So now the woman at the club would not warrant those other two spending such time together.

But let’s say that instead of building a model, they work closely together at NASA and are assembling a space module. Would the woman involved in the loving relationship be so torn apart by this that she no longer loves him? Of course not, cause love conquers all. This should be especially so when it comes to something so trifle as spending time with someone else. Greed itself cannot keep the ones we love around us all the time, as is obvious by such things as life itself. Would a woman be mad at her man for working with a woman even if it meant that the two of them would be traveling alone on business too far off exotic places? Something like this can’t be helped, so why should it hurt? And why shouldn’t the two enjoy themselves while working? It would be more impolite to not take your business partner out for dinner or a drink than it would be to ignore a BS rule that says you can’t enjoy yourself in the company of others. Would the circumstances change if the woman the man was traveling with was supper hot? So then it wouldn’t matter if the business woman was super fat? Should any of this really matter if the both of you are in love? When you’re truly in love, you will be in love forever, and nothing or no one can come in-between this.

So then perhaps you are once more worried about your true love falling in love with another and never coming back. Ultimately a problem of monogamy of the mind and the plus side to polygamy of the heart. Cause when you’re in love, you’re never truly alone. And if there really is this so called free love, than you don’t have to worry about him or her leaving you forever. If your love likes being with someone else as well as you, but you only allow for one, than the rules you previously set are making your love choose between them and you. If your love is true, then he or she will always come back to you. But if your love is strong but not true, then perhaps your extreme sense of control may make you lose your love to somebody new. In this case, it was your own greed that has tried to control all the love in your life. Now it is your greed that will leave you with no love in your life because you tried to deny someone the most basic principle of life, love.

Thus, the most vivid example of why greed is such an evil characteristic is that its ultimate outcome is no love in one’s life. Good things do not happen for bad reasons. If greed and jealousy are so evil in nature, why do people naturally let it control their lives and the lives of the one’s they love? If it’s no big deal to have an evil rational take over, then why not let alcoholism control your life as well? And if you really don’t mind evil voices in your head commanding you to be overridden with pain and hatred every time your loved one goes out, why stop there? If you’re capable of committing evil acts without your conscience or common sense canceling it out, why not go on a murderous rampage or start raping people? Well, we don’t do these things because they are acts of evil; just as greed and jealousy are also acts of evil. No matter where you draw the line on evil, either half is still touching evil. Do you think anything that carries so much pain and hatred could be good for you or anyone else? But still, you would like to argue that it is OK to be enraged with pain and jealousy every time your significant other goes out and then pass your pain onto him or her simply because they are spending time around others. Personally, I’d rather be happy; and the only way I can really be happy is through her being happy. If we are both happy, well, isn’t that what love is really supposed to be all about?

How else do you describe love without summing it up by saying that you want to see your love be happy for as long as he or she can be? If that’s the case, than I can also say that there are men out there whom I have come to love. Do I want to have sex with these guys? By all means no. So then, according to this analogy, sex is a separate entity from love and carries no devotion to it. When all sexual desires are depleted, I am still able to love multiple people. Does it make me gay because I love multiple men even though I am not the least bit attracted to them? No, it just means I’m comfortable enough with my masculinity to admit that there are guys out there that I deeply care for. After all, aren’t you supposed to have love for your fellow man? Just look into the eyes of your same sex best friend. While you are most likely not overwhelmed by sexual desires, you certainly sense a connection of some kind. You would do anything for them to keep them healthy and happy for as long as possible. You would share an apartment with them and go on vacation with them. These are people you enjoy seeing every day but don’t mind if they see other friends as well. If all this doesn’t sound like the underlying definition as to what love is, than I can’t ever possibly understand what love is. But yet, all this I already understand. Perhaps then I have already experienced love. Even so, this is far from the lasting relationship that I wish for.

I want a woman whose touch tastes not like tears, but rather refreshing like a lack of fears. And still I hold off such celebratory cheers because I have found nothing worth cheering for. I do this for the fact that I fear losing anything below true love. I believe that if we are to be together throughout all of time, than true love must be mandatory. Yet another reason why sustaining solidarity throughout much of my life could possibly be a positive because if there isn’t true love, we will most likely break apart. So now I will be alone once more but with the much added pain of losing a love. It appears that I’ve been taking the “it’s better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost” approach. Or is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? If I have to lose my love because of something I cannot control like being in love with another, than I much rather risk waiting for the supposed mystical being know as the one and risk never knowing love; as opposed to losing a love and dealing with the pain originating in something so innocent as knowing too much love with too many people.

But that’s only one way which one could lose their love. What if something were to happen which neither one of us could control? For instance, if the one I love is dying of cancer. Now I too will have to live with pain from watching her being ravaged from the inside out. Let’s say that if during the third year anniversary of the founding of our love, she is diagnosed with cancer; will those three years of utter bliss be worth another five years of agonizing pain? Not to mention the fact that the rest of my life will be written with the tears of having lost my true love. I would like to think that if we are truly in love, than a lifetime of pain can be calmed simply from the fact that love lasts a lifetime. And that also means even if my most endearing memories are those of us holding hands in the hospital, or if my most recent recollection of her smiling is one with tubes protruding from between her lips, it will always make me smile to know that in her darkest hour, I was still able to put a smile on her face. So in this case, it could be better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

But could ignorance be bliss for something so simple as love? Perhaps. After all, I have never known love, so I don’t know what wonders I am missing out on. The only way I am even able to resist falling in love is because I don’t know the splendors incorporated with the such. Had I fallen in love and lost my love, then I would be in a desperate attempt to fill that void with what once was. As they say, “All you need is love.” But apparently it is so important, you need it “eight days a week.” So am I really an ignoramus to the law of life, love? I am denying myself that which I most desire simply because I am afraid of what will happen if I develop too much love with too many people? Falling in love should never bare fear, and yet it has. Thus, in doing so, the very essence of love has darkened under my demise. Only someone who has never been in love could fear falling in love. And so here I am, fearing the unknown and still looking for it at every turn. It is my infatuation with what I do not know that attracts me so, simply because my mind cannot condone what is unknown. Regardless, love remains on sacred territory, and faith is all I have to guide me to the holy ground. It is this heavenly being that brings everything I believe in, and without her I would withdraw my existence. Even when I don’t know her name, I speak to her with every breath. While my eyes may never have seen her face, she remains visible in my mind because it is in every girl’s eyes that this image I hope to find.